Mother’s Day Thoughts
Mother’s Day. I don’t know if it's just me but this seems to be one of the hardest days when your relationship with your own mother is wounded and painful, and does not feel worthy of a celebration. It feels like everywhere I’ve turned these past few weeks there’s been an advertisement to try and remind me of why I should send my mom flowers or make her feel special today. And I really did deeply consider a number of these actions this past week, even after being estranged from my own mother on my own accord. But a question floated around in the back of my mind: Am I considering doing this out of an obligation or is it out of a true expression of my gratitude?
As much as I want to convince myself it would be to speak my voice and truth to my mom and this will allow her to see me more fully, I have to be honest about my realization that this intention would be setting myself up for disappointment, and not the point of a day of a motherly celebration at all. It’s not about me or my expression, or being seen more fully as a daughter. It’s about celebrating a mother’s sacrifice for her family and the love she brought to the child’s life. I once learned as a child that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it all. Less is more. And this is why I decided to not express myself to my mother this Mother’s Day 2022. I know that a real authentic expression of my truth could do more damage than give love today. At this time in our relationship, I realize I am working towards forgiveness and acceptance, but I am not there yet. I can be honest with this.
If I wrote something to my mom it might sound something like this: “I am grateful for all the personal challenges in our relationship as mother and daughter, because they’ve given me the opportunity to learn to love myself more fully. Even though this was very painful to learn, I continued to push through and I am proud of how far I’ve come in this endeavor, even through the tears and grief. The experiences of betrayal, lack of real intimacy, lack of boundaries, and the codependency I have picked up from being your daughter have taught me to foster my own independence, authenticity, and intimacy with myself and in my relationships. I needed my space from you, in order to thrive, not just survive. I am learning to let go of the mother I yearned for as a child, adolescent, and young adult and am working toward peace in my own heart. I can imagine that maybe you carry personal guilt and shame, but I realize I am not responsible for your emotions anymore and it is not my place to even say what emotions you may feel on mother’s day or any day, those are for you and you alone. I must not speak from a place of obligation, codependency, or the need to make you feel special just for who you are. I must speak my truth from my heart. And I accept that you are not ready to hear this yet and it may only hurt you more. I know if the time is right, our lives will cross paths again. I trust in my own heart and intuition to guide me to where I am supposed to shine, to give and receive love. I know that this is not a perfect system, but it is what I can rely on, my own internal GPS.”
With the messiness of my relationship with my mother, I have consciously chosen to surrender the outcome of my brokenness to the Divine. I know none of this is in my hands or control; it is much bigger than me. I realize how my relationship with my mother served a greater purpose in my life and is helping lead me closer back to myself: where I am home, I am loved, and I am celebrated as a spiritual being. For any of you who may have a strained relationship with a mother who is living or passed on, I hope that somehow my sharing and expression can help remind you that you are worth celebrating. The time you took to nurture yourself, love yourself and ultimately mother yourself if you did not have your emotional or spiritual needs met in childhood is worth celebrating. You are always worthy of love.